Commit yourself to change within.
Thinking can solve relationship problems, as Voltaire said "No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking." But, the irony is this, we do not sustain thinking, the moment we do start it, feelings will take over, the inner voice said,"I don't want to think about it."
When people actually have the problem, they become wireD up emotionally that they are no longer rational. The inner consultant's voice can help, giving you some distance to think about it, and sustained thinking can always solve the problem.
The risking way can help you to grow, and you become your best and be happy, advised psychologist, Dr, David Viscott.
Begin with small risks, e.g. A compliment you give though you were first reluctant to give. The list can go on, like, writing a small note of thanks,
a warm hug, a discussion. When the small risk expands, start larger risks, releasing your butterflies to fly away.
Be a good listener to your loved ones, or someone important to you. Having two ears than one mouth, I should proportionate my listening twice to talking less. We can improve relationship by being sincere to listen to someone's grievance, suggestion or recommendation, or even a child's
talk. Become enchanted, listen to the sweet music of the child's voice, WE feel it, touch it and amused by it, and the child will echo back, "Dad's listening to me. Wow! he cares for me!"
The same can be appreciated by your customer or anyone who listens attentively. When you put your full attention to listen to the woes of a lonely wife, teenager, friend, and anyone who needs attention, see the glow of the his/her eyes! At last, someone listens to me; sometimes, my parents do not listen, they hear me only.
Good relationship is spontaneous when two persons can laugh together, so do you have a sense of humour?
"The shortest distance between two persons is a laugh."--Victor Borge. Whatever you are doing, if it is not fun, you are not doing it right. Laugh, and the world laughs with you; it is so true with good relationship.
"To make a friend, be one." -Emerson.
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."-Steven Covey.
We all want to seek the right mates, forgetting first to be the right mates ourselves. We want others to improve, or change first, before we become better friends. The reverse is true to have closer relationships.
People tend to learn ideas faster when they relate to their personal lives. When things improve at home, other relationships will improve accordingly. Change yourself first before practising to change others; all improvements start within oneself.
Once I learnt from an experienced pastor, who was speaking alone with an enthusiastic Hindu. The Hindu man kept telling him why he believed his religion was right, non-violent religion; he kept vows and devotion, his prayers were answered, kept faithful for many years, including his family members. Almost an hour passed, the pastor asked more questions, showing interest in his beliefs.
The pastor listened well, except asked short questions. Then the Hindu man realised he had talked alot, and felt tired. He asked, "Hey, I don't know what your beliefs are? Tell me."
Then the pastor summoned all his courage to give a precise talk about Jesus, God's Son who brought a change in his life through Repentance and Mercy. Towards the end, the Hindu man asked, "How can I join him?" He was baptised the next week.
This example of a listening pastor can be a good lesson of making a great missionary.
In fact, I actually practised this method in Penang, of being totally interested in one Protestant whose knowledge of the Bible was at his finger-tips. He could quote off-hand at any situation or story. I was enthralled by his enthusiasm and cleverness in the scriptures. For three nights the missionary couple and I discussed quotations in the Bible, because that was his interest, until the last night, I gave some quotations from Alma, and Helaman. He came back vociferiously that he could not find them in the Bible! I apologised, but they were found in the new scriptures--the Book of Mormon. I asked "Do you believe what they said?" "Do you believe we should have new prophets to guide us?" He confirmed, so we gave him the new scriptions to search into. After one month, He was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, including his wife, and two children. That miracle and conversion came from the Lord, while the discussion and convincing were prepared by us, and then followed by the missionary Elders.
Sometimes, silence is an effective way or a gift we rarely remember to bring along--to tune in to what people are saying-- to respect silence. "When I am silent, the purity of self speaks to me, guides and nudges me." When I am silent, I hear the purity of another's self, speaking, and nudging me. I learn more through silence."- Stev Hardison, Personal coach to athletes and business leaders.
Sometimes, in the morning, we wake up and react to the bad news on the radio, television or press; the crime, injustice, lies that we cannot trust people anymore. Traffic jam. cold email received.
We are onslaught by the daily habit of reacting of other people's faults. "Why should my happiness depend on the thoughts in some else's head?" --Emerson.
How do we overcome this misery of craps?
Use the shifting concept. Shun away from your deep negative emotions, physical and emotion, and rise up to higher level of imagination. Rise above yourself in spirit. Start to think optimally, seek out the best books on how to really love a woman, if you have problem with a spouse.
When we shift from the low to a high level of imagination or creativity, everything shifts, like talking with customers. What works for the spouse can be applied to customers. From an empty canvass, we paint, and it becomes a picture, then we coloured with details. Relationships are not accidents, they are created.
Happiness does not come from other people. It comes from ourselves, within us. The destructive relationship illusion is that other people can make us happy. They can't. But our existing happiness we can share with other people. Change comes from agreement, not from making someone wrong.
The most common desire by clients is to change other people--even lovers say them aloud at one another--that is the very thing that make relationships worse.
Most people think for their relationships to get better, others should have to improve. With this anxiety to change others, it never works; because trying to change other people drives them DEEPER into their self defence system.. It drives them deeper and more committed to defend their behaviour. Upon being criticized, they become defensive to rationalize their behavour, even more proud of it; thus, it guarantees to strengthen their orginal behaviour!
So, this cycle of defensiveness grows for both sides, and separation widens.
When we try to change others, we assume they are wrong or doing wrong. Thus, in the process, it was initially a tendency, now, it is a principle of theirs--more invested in their own behaviour. By trying to help them to change, you've actually increased their behaviour they do not want..
For change in life, change what is under your control--change yourself first! By this example, it will enlighten the other party wanting to change.
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